Avoiding Unrealistic Expectations When It Comes to Sex
- If it’s your first time, don’t expect sex to be horrible cause your friends said it will be
- If it’s your first time, don’t expect sex to be wonderful cause your friends said it will be
- Don’t expect sex to fix an unhealthy relationship
- Don’t expect to orgasm every time or simultaneously
- Some positions that look good in porn are not so fun in person and best left to acrobats
- Sex doesn’t have to hurt. Don’t assume intercourse is and always will be painful (talking to your partner, lotsa lube and sexual health clinics can help with that)
- Talk during sex. Nothing major but questions like “Want me to go faster?” and “Does this feel good” can really enhance things
- If you’ve started a relationship because you’re afraid to be alone. This can also bring out the clingy monster in you
- If you hooked up with someone cause it increases your status with peers or family
- If you “hoard” your partner. You keep them away from friends and stuff they love to do
- If you make all the decisions; where to eat, when to eat, what to eat, how much to eat etc
- If you don’t have anything nice to say about your partner
- If you don’t like yourself
- Attitudes about money are formed when we’re very young. Some people are spenders and some are savers. This can be hard to change, so try to see the benefits of your partner’s style
- Consider how your partner spends their money. Do they have “peacock syndrome” where they get stuff to show how cool/successful/current/grown up they are? A showy person may not be able to handle life’s setbacks
- Conflicts about money are rarely just about money….the underlying issue is often power and control. If you’re constantly fighting over money, you may want to assess what money means to you and your partner
- Talk about it directly. It may feel weird or too planned to bring it up out of the blue, so why not schedule it? Saying something like “I want to talk about money. When’s a good time?” might work
- While you don’t mind “lending” your partner money every time they happen to forget their wallet, it’s not cool if they automatically assume you are going to pay for things. If you don’t want to be the sugarmama or sugardaddy, you’ll need to say something
For whatever reason, it’s over for you, and you want out. However good or crappy the relationships might have been, here’s the last memory you’ll make together. So do it thoughtfully. Do do it like this:
- Tell the truth. It’s over no matter what. You don’t want repercussions of this last lie to bite you in the behind a few months later. Lay it down truthfully (but kindly). But “don’t lie” doesn’t mean you have to say everything. Check yourself – are you trying to deceive them about something? That’s a good gauge.
- Be clear. If it’s over for you, say so. Don’t be wishy washy. Don’t say it and take it back, don’t paint something grey if it’s black and white. It’s bad enough to be heartbroken; nobody needs to be confused on top of that. It might be hard in the moment, but it will pan out better for everyone if you don’t send mixed signals. Don’t let your guilt get in the way of a clear message.
- Don’t list all the things that are wrong with them. Figure out the main, big-picture reasons you’re calling it quits, and communicate them (“I’m unhappy”, “I want to be single”, “I don’t see a future”). If there was one particular deal breaker (“You cheated and I don’t trust you anymore”), share it. Their imperfections are not the reasons you’re leaving them. You’re leaving because your needs are not met. Don’t justify your exit with their flaws, that just causes so much unnecessary hurt. You want out? You deserve out.
- Don’t get defensive or aggressive. Sometimes people deal with guilt by getting aggressive and defensive. Check yourself! They might react in ways that are hard to deal with. Try your best to sit with it (unless it’s violent or scary. In those cases – get out). If you still care for them, stick around and witness their hurt and disappointment (if they share it).
- Face it. If it was a significant relationship, don’t just run away. Don’t just ignore them and hope they get the message. Don’t just facebook them “Goodbye” if y’all are closer than that. Choose a medium that fits your relationship’s level of intimacy and duration (In person? A phone call?). Don’t chicken out just because it’s hard. Try to do the right thing. It’s your life, your self-respect, (and your reputation).
In moderation, jealousy is normal and healthy, everyone feels insecure sometimes. But if it is extreme, jealousy can be dangerous. Here are some signs that it’s getting out of hand.
- You try to control and isolate your partner. Do you get so overwhelmed that the only solution you can think of is to keep your partner from certain people, or doing certain things?
- You put down your partner to make them feel insecure. Do you criticize or call them names to lower their sense of independence and their self-regard? Do you feel threatened by their accomplishments? Do you fear they’ll leave you if they felt good about themselves?
- You lie and manipulate things to make them seem different. Do you make excuses for why you should stay in? Do you make up rumours about other people to sway your partner’s opinion of them? Do you pretend to be sick, upset, suicidal, hurt, or angry to make them feel guilty?
- You obsessively stalk or snoop. Do you break into their email and social media accounts? Do you secretly read texts, mail, and other private things? Do you follow them, stalk them, or monitor them? Do you do these things to a degree that is unlawful? That most people would find upsetting?
- You use violence. Do you resort to physical or emotional violence when you feel jealous? Do you fly into a rage and feel as if you’re losing control? Is your partner afraid of you? Do they fear for their safety?
It’s easy to spiral out of control sometimes. It’s a lonely, self-hating, and anxious place, and it’s very difficult to face alone. Reach out for a friend, a counsellor, a therapist, a coach, a family member. You deserve someone to talk to, and there is help. Jealousy is a sign that there’s something you should pay attention to.
Falling in love is amazing, delirious, and one of the best feelings in the world. The first spells of those dizzying feelings are especially delicious. Some people call it “New Relationship Energy” (NRE). Which is basically the “honeymoon stage” where you can’t think about anything else but your boo, and every love song was written for you. (And all your friends are groaning and rolling their eyes).
In NRE, your love looks and feels purrrrfect. Everything they say is so funny, every angle of their face is stunning. Scientific studies show that, when you’re in NRE, you aren’t thinking clearly (really)! The good news and bad news is that NRE eventually fades. But while you’re in it, watch out for these pitfalls that have trapped more than a few doe-eyed lovers.
- Deciding it’s forever. In NRE, you may jump to the conclusion that this here is your soulmate, and you may have dreams of forever. So, roll with it. Enjoy the view, the wonder, the ROFL jokes. It’s a temporary high. Whether a relationship lasts, or is just a fling, is determined when they come down from the pedestal (and they will).
- Making big decisions. You might want to hold off on the giant neck tattoo of their name, or the shotgun wedding, until you land on Earth again. It won’t be too late then, but it very well could be too early now. This isn’t your grandma scolding you to be careful. These are field notes from the been-there and done-that.
- Ditching all your friends. Why would you hang out with all of them when your love is all you want, all the time? Because you’ll need them. Every good relationship is surrounded by friends, communities, and outside hobbies. When things aren’t so peachy, you’ll still need your friends to confide in, to get advice from. Plus, even though it might seem drab and boring, having multiple sources of fun, support, affection, and connection is just good for you. More than a few couples find themselves suddenly isolated after the initial fireworks. And that does nobody any good.
- Bring vex money. Have a plan in place for a way to get home and to cover your costs for the night if things between you and your date go bad
- Let a friend you trust know where you are & who you’re with. Include location details and the identifying and contact info for your date in case of emergency. Let this friend know once you’ve made it home safely
- Speak positively about yourself. Putdowns are not cool. If you don’t seem interested in yourself it may be hard for someone else to feel interested in you.
- Save the talk about past relationships for later. This date is about you and your date, not the person who had you weak a while back.
- Say no to the phone. Whether you turn it off or put it on silent/vibrate is up to you. People can be bothered by phones ringing and their date texting, making calls or updating instagram during the date. If you need to use your phone, HINT: a quick restroom break may be helpful
- Do something both of you can enjoy. It can be a great opportunity to try something new with someone new.
- Don’t assume that because someone messaged you, you are the only person they messaged or are interested in
- Great way to meet people outside of your usual circles
- Photos should be current and a genuine depiction of you.
- Speaking of photos, they are public and easily stolen from people’s pages so only post pictures that would be okay for the public to see
- Excellent opportunity to develop new social skills and gain comfort in interacting with others without putting too much on the line